*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
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I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Me recordaron éste meme
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Cause of death: Zumba
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.