I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
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Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Bring back the McRib
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
What?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.