a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
“Wait, let me explain..”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.