My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.