[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day