The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically