my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
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BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.