“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
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Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
my one true gender
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I like long walks away from everyone
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Traveler’s camo
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.