Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
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I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work