A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
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ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
the #horror is real!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!