If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.