If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win