I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
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I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Swedish for common sense.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Mhm.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.