My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
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I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
They’re stuck in your pants?
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.