Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
BaD BoY!!
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
A dead goose is called a ghoost
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.