My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Haha good job!!
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*