[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
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Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*