Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that