FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
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I am yelling
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
my proudest tweet
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is