I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
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WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.