Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”