My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
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If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Always the camel, never the toe.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
The human personality is made of five key elements
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.