Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
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I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Breaking news:
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.