I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Wake me when AI does housework
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.