“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
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Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*