Life is a suicide mission.
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PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber