* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Pickled cat.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium