What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
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I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
He took my last fry, your honor
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)