I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
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[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes