[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
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Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
6: are snakes just neck?
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED