[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
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therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
this is the best interaction on twitter
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?