Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.