Who comes up with this kinda stuff
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Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup