I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Pandas 🐼🖤
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair