I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
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Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.