doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.