[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
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Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.