professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
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Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?