COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Nigella has gone too far this time.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once