5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
You Might Also Like
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.