Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
You Might Also Like
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.