[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.