And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
I mean…but I did
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?