broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
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If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
can’t catch a break
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.