“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
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Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“What movie?” 🤔
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Software Development ⛵️
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”