*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
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Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Nothing.