My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
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This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.