Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
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Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.