Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
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Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
tis the season
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS