Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
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Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Attacked by a mop.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?